


My Life Now

by elizabeth_isnotonfire



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cute, Happy Ending, M/M, Some Fluff, v innocent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-29 21:15:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5142701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizabeth_isnotonfire/pseuds/elizabeth_isnotonfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil are in a relationship, but they begin to drift apart because Phil thinks that they should come out to the fans and Dan disagrees.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Life Now

"I can't stand it here anymore."

Phil's words echo through my mind, playing over and over like a broken record. The way his voice cracked when he said them. The tears spilling over his cheeks.

I still sit where I was when we fought. I haven't had the energy or motivation to move since then. My mind seems to run ninety miles an hour- playing over the worst case scenarios of what could happen and the worst parts of what has already happened. My knees are pulled up to my chest and my arms are wrapped tightly around them, desperately trying to calm myself down but to no avail. A sob escapes the back of my throat but I'm not crying. I take a deep breath, and another, and try to decide how I could fix this. If it's even possible to.

Phil and I have been fighting for the past six months. It happened after recording a video one day- something normal and usual- and out of nowhere, Phil goes: "What if we came out?"

It hadn't been something I even thought about. With the fans already shipping us, it'd be hell if we ever told them we were actually together. It was a thought that I had always found a way to block out of my mind and ignore. Phil and I weren't able to do much in public due to not being out on the internet, but that wasn't much of a problem because we were both lazy and never really wanted to go anywhere anyways. Sure, we did slip up a couple times, like the time we danced to Thinking Out Loud, and especially in the first PINOF- but they were small enough that it didn't matter a whole lot. So basically, the prospect of actually coming out to the fans was completely preposterous and Phil nor I barely even spoke about it, I had always just assumed it had been one of those silent agreements people had.

But when he asked me, I laughed. He didn't seem to be amused, and I stopped the moment I realized he'd been serious.

"Why would we want to do that?" I asked him. I never would have guessed Phil would consider it himself.

"I don't know; it was stupid, forget I said anything," he sighed.

I wasn't having it. I said, "If it's something that actually bothers you, then I think we should at least talk about it."

"It doesn't bother me," he had tried to assure me, and we went back to what we were doing. I didn't pay a lot of attention to it at the time, but that short conversation put a little bit of distance between us.

I had almost forgotten about that whole thing until I noticed Phil and I would argue more often doing regular things as well. It was just the things we used to joke about that would suddenly become less funny and more hostile, like the time I accused Phil of sneaking some more of my cereal at one point and he became defensive of it instead of denying it and laughing it off like we always would. We'd argue about videos, editing them, which ones to record, etc. We didn't go out as much as we used to and I found myself even having breakfast by myself instead of with him while watching anime more often than not. 

I hugged him at one point in a video we made, and was just about to edit it out, and he sighed.

It was just a sigh, but I was being a dick so of course I took it defensively. "What is it now?" I asked him.

He looked over at me, and he didn't look angry. He just looked like of... disappointed. That's when I realized that us not coming out is what was pushing us apart.

"You really want to deal with the shitstorm that would happen if we came out? Because I have don't." I told him.

He didn't even answer, so I didn't say anything else. I remember trying to search my mind for why it'd be better if we came out, but I found nothing. Why could it be so important to him? I asked myself. We never finished editing that video and it was never uploaded.

I guess the fans never noticed anything, though. There was a few comments I noticed about us 'going back to 2012', but I never thought much of them. Phil and I were still together, even if we weren't as close before. It just mattered that we were together.

I wasn't against coming out just because I didn't care about Phil or anything like that at all. I just wanted what was best for him. If we did, and he saw all the negative views people had of our relationship- how badly would that hurt him? I wasn't even sure how I would be able to handle all of that negative attention. We'd lose fans, we'd gain people who wanted to break us apart. I couldn't have that. I couldn't stand to see Phil go through all of that.

So for the life of me, I couldn't ever figure out why he'd want to come out. There was really nothing good that we'd get out of it at all. I guess I just couldn't see that it was something important to him.

The reason he left is because of an argument- surprise. It wasn’t even anything huge, either. He left his room and asked where the coffee was. 

“We ran out yesterday, you forgot already?” I said, “And you didn’t buy any more at the store.”

He sighed. “Don’t get so defensive about it.”

“I’m not,” I began, but stopped myself.

Phil groaned and left to his bedroom. I assumed he was getting ready, and when he came back, I was right- his hair was fixed perfectly and he was showered and dressed. That’s when he said it- with his eyes red and puffy, his voice cracking- “I can’t take it here anymore.”

It felt like my world shattered around me the moment I heard the words come from his lips and that’s what brought me to where I am now. What did he mean by ‘I can’t take it here anymore?’ Was that his way of breaking up? That one worry floated around my mind for what seemed like forever. Tears are now rolling down my cheeks and it’s as if I can’t stop them, they just keep coming. In my upset haze I type out and send what seems to be a harmless tweet: ‘I’m sorry.’ I don’t worry about what the fans will think, I just know Phil will see it and know exactly who it’s intended for. And with that reasoning, I’m starting to understand why he’d want them to know the truth.

I finally began to calm down when I felt my phone buzz. I have a new message from Phil: ‘Me too.’ And I understand what he is talking about immediately. I want to call or text him right away, asking when he’d be home, but I also want to give him time. I decide to leave it be and wait for him to come around on his own.

I try to turn on a random Netflix show, but I can’t stop thinking of how much Phil would have liked it as I watch it and I miss his warmth by my side. I miss everything about him- since we’ve been fighting, we haven’t spent much time together other than when we were making videos or something along those lines- let alone cuddled or anything like that. The house is quiet and it’s making me even more uncomfortable. I turn off the show, as I’m obviously not paying much attention to it at all. I can’t get Phil off my mind no matter how hard I try, and I nearly leap off the couch when I hear him opening the front door. I rush over to him and wrap my arms around him, not caring about anything else as much as him being back. I keep muttering, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry…” into his shoulder.

“I love you too, bear,” he says, and hearing my old nickname almost makes me melt. I place my hands on the sides of his face, not caring about how cheesy this must look, and I kiss him. It’s not more than a small peck, but I needed to do it anyway. Phil smiles as I pull away, but his expression quickly darkens a small amount when he says, “We don’t have to come out if you don’t want to.”

“We can make a video right now if you still want to,” I tell him, “you are more important to me than how the fans will take it.”

His face seems to light up and shine. He really is a ball of sunshine like everyone says he is. I can’t stop smiling, and ideas begin to fly through my mind at an incredible speed. “We can’t just make a video and explain it though,” I say, “you’re more special than that.”

He follows me through the house to the computer room where I pull up all of the videos we’ve ever made, and we get to work.

The final product is, well- nothing short of beautiful. It starts out with video clips from 2009, including the first PINOF, through everything up until now, even 2012. We recorded a few second clip of us smiling at each other before kissing, and put it right at the end of the whole video. There’s no explanation, only us. Only what we’ve done up until this point, and I couldn’t be happier with the way it turned out. I couldn’t be happier with Phil, or my life now, or all of the amazing people that watch our videos. It feels like an invisible weight is being lifted off of my shoulders as we watch the video upload to YouTube.


End file.
